Diary Post: Who Knows?

5:30 PM

It hasn't been lively up in this blog at all. I haven't gone on any notable adventures recently. There haven't been any photos to really show or anything. I guess it all depends on me. I have the ability to change that for myself. If I really wanted to, I could go out on my own adventures. I just don't think I have to motivation to do so.

I don't even know if I'm going to post this or if this is going to stay buried in the draft box. (Yes, there are abajillion posts that never make it on to the blog. They just stay in draft box purgatory until I venture to look back.)  Recently, I've been stuck in my own head a lot. In a way, I think it's sort of driving me insane. You start going to dark places and then it's just one step after another. However, writing on this blog kind of helps me to get out of my own head. So in that sense, I am grateful that I have some sort of creative outlet.

I've noticed that I stopped drinking wine by myself on Friday nights. I've switched over to cranberry juice which almost feels the same? I guess I never really told anyone, or to be honest, who really cares to know? I wasn't like a deep seeded alcoholic or anything. It was just something to do to help me go to sleep on the weekends. I guess you could call it a small present to myself for finishing the week of school. Every time I think about drinking and sleeping, it reminds me of the song Neverland by Crywolf.

"Drinking on a Monday. Sleeping just to numb the pain."

I have no idea where I'm going with this post. I kind of just feel like talking. (Not that this is me verbally speaking or anything.) I haven't verbally spoken to anyone in like a day. I think after today, this is going to be two days. I think realizing this made me feel incredibly depressed. It got me thinking about prisoners in solitary confinement. After a long while in solitary, prisoners go insane. At least I can do little things here and there to distract myself. 

Don't get me wrong. I really enjoy living alone in my little studio apartment! I just wished my friends lived here or that I had a car so that I could just get up and go places. In a way, I guess I just feel socially isolated. I honestly don't know why I'm complaining. I sort of did this to myself. I asked to live alone. Recently with a lot of things that have been bothering me, I sort of feel like I brought it upon myself. I constantly find myself battling myself in my head. Like stop being sad over things that you brought on yourself. You knew exactly what you were getting yourself into this semester. Who knows, maybe I'm just being depressed again. 


My last semester of undergrad has officially begun. To be honest, I was looking through my old posts about my fear of what lies beyond school and my perspective has completely changed. (I guess that's the beauty of writing down your emotions. You have something to look back on later on :P!) I'm like:

"*claps hands together* Come on let's get this show on the road! I can't wait for this to be over."

I honestly thought I'd be a lot more sad about leaving the school scene. Now, I feel like I'm going to be more relieved once I'm done. I think my sister and I had this conversation once before. She told me that in your last semester of undergrad you can't wait to finish. Once you work for about a year or so, you start missing being in classes. Well, I guess we shall see if that is true for me! I kind of see myself revisiting this post in the future.

I forgot to mention that I applied for my first "real" job a few days ago! Super exciting for me. I'm caught between feeling excited and feeling fearful. So what exactly do I mean by "real" job? You know, the type of job that has like insurance and retirement plans. I don't really want to disclose too much information about it because I don't even know if I'm going to get it. It is a job that is related to psychology though! I'm expecting the worse, but hoping for the best. In my heart, I already know that I'm going to have to get used to being rejected by possible employers. 

After the beginning of this year, I feel like I can take on the heartbreak. At some point in my head, I had to stop myself and wonder if I was still human. Sometimes, the answer is "no". At times, I feel completely heartless. I've been feeling like a garbage human being recently. I can see why some people might see that in me. I wouldn't say that I'm happy, but I wouldn't really say that I'm unhappy with my life either. I'm caught in this weird middle ground. I keep holding on to the idea that things will eventually get better. Then a tiny voice will whisper, "Will it really though?"

Once again, who really knows? 

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