Goodbye 2016 // 2017 Here We Come

9:35 PM

I don't know why I'm so excited to write this post. Every year around the end of December, I write a reflection of the year along with goals that I set for myself for the coming year. If you haven't read last year's post, you can check it out [here]. I really hope to continue doing these reflection posts! They let me know how much I've changed from the previous years, and it makes me feel accomplished! Let's start with the reflections!

2016 GOALS & REFLECTIONS

The three goals for 2016 were:
1.) Work on my self esteem and confidence
2.) Be vegetarian for the entire year
3.) Become more academic / spend more time studying

Self esteem. I became way more self confident this year! Just looking at the way that I interact with other people makes me realize how much I have changed. I used to consider myself to be extremely negative. I always saw the worst in people and felt like everyone was out to hurt me. Now I know that this is not true. There will be good people who will enter my life. I feel like I'm starting to get better at opening up to other people too. It's just a little sad that I learned the biggest lesson on positivity from someone who isn't actively in my life anymore. (No, they didn't die! LOL if that's what you're wondering. Just moved away.)

Vegetarianism. I would like to say that I've been a vegetarian for an entire year! There was only one time which I broke my non-meat eating diet. It was only because refusing to eat meat at that time would've been considered to be highly offensive and disrespectful. For this reason, I had to eat meat, but I do not consider this exception to ruin my streak. When I first began, I wasn't sure if I was going to last a month. What started off as a small goal blossomed into a one year commitment. I was only planning to be a vegetarian for a month when I began. Now, I plan on doing this for as long as I can!

Academics. This is one goal that I do not believe I have fully achieved. I didn't find myself studying any harder than any previous year. I basically maintained the same exact GPA and study habits overall. I also don't find myself to be disappointed in myself over this goal. When I wrote up this goal, I had different motivations in my head than I do now. I think that I am an average student. I have always been this way. Of course, I could become a slightly above average student if I really wanted to, but it's just not really worth the time and effort at this moment :P! Now that I'm so close to the finish line, I just want to finish my academic career strong and just move on with my life.

GOALS FOR 2017

Honestly, for the coming year, I don't think I'm going to have clear cut resolutions. However, for tradition sake, I'll come up with three things that I want to work on. I feel like this year's goals are going to be more life long based rather than short term (like in the previous two years).

1.) Find a job / Become more certain about my future

I think this is the most important goal that I have for myself in 2017. By mid 2017, I'm going to be finishing my undergraduate degree in Psychology. As of right now (writing this post), I am not really sure where the future will take me. In fact, I am internally panicking at this moment. For the most part, I always felt really certain about my future. However, at this moment, I'm not so sure anymore. I know that everything will be okay and that everyone goes through this internal struggle at some point in their life. I'm going to try to make the best of every situation.

Although I may not end up working at my dream job right away, I sure hope that I will gain some life experience that will eventually lead me down the path that I am supposed to take. For now, I would appreciate it if people had more faith and patience with me. I am trying my best.

For all of you reading this right now, just be prepared for the abundance of anxious posts that will come around mid 2017! I already know that I'm going to be panicking when graduation rolls around.

2.) Be more truthful with how I'm feeling rather than hiding it

I have a really difficult time expressing my true emotions. This is specially true when it comes to anger. I have to admit, the reason why I have difficulty expressing anger is because I'm afraid of how my anger will impact other people. I don't really know how to appropriately communicate anger without causing physical or emotional harm to other people. For this reason, I guess I would have to say that I am afraid to express anger. Sometimes, I find myself seething in rage and it scares me. Like is this an appropriate amount of rage for this situation? Am I overreacting? 

I know that this is sort of an irrational thought. If you truly feel angry, why don't you just be angry? I'm not sure. Maybe it's because in my past experiences, every time I expressed my rage people start distancing themselves from me. (Which yes, I know is the proper response. Why would you stick around someone who is upset / mad at you?) It's just that, I tend to ruin my relationships with people when I'm angry. Sometimes I question if the amount of rage I feel is appropriate for the situation. 

There's this residual inner anger that I feel on the inside that I know will negatively impact others. Hopefully I will eventually learn how to express anger in an appropriate way. Of course, this isn't going to be an easy task. I definitely will be working on this as time goes by.

3.) Impact people's lives positively / Being remembered positively

Recently, I've been thinking about how people view me. I never really put too much thought into how other people see me. If they don't like me, then there really isn't much I can do to change their perception. All I know, is that I want the people who come into my life to be happy that they met me. Sure they might not stick around for long. They might move away or life takes them into a different direction. I just want people to look back at all the memories that we shared and think positively about it. We might disagree and get into fights, but hopefully, they'll remember a handful of good times that we had together.

This thought came to me after I came to the realization that maybe some people are meant to be temporary. People always come and people will always go. I want to put in as much effort as I can because I know that there might come a day when they will leave. I want to slowly become okay with this realization. Every moment is precious. They may be here now and gone the next day. I just hope that I'll be remembered and live on in their memories.


UNCERTAINTY
If I had to pick a word that is describing my inner feelings about 2017, I think "uncertain" is the perfect one. I know that I will be going into this new year with so many questions and a basket of unknowns. 2017 is definitely going to be a year of great change. I can feel it in my bones. Honestly, I want to say that I am brave and that I am ready to tackle 2017, but that's just not true.

This year's reflection sounds a bit mopey. It might just be the mood that I'm in as I'm typing this up. I think I'm just coming to terms with reality. I just hope that whatever comes my way will help me become the person that I am meant to be.

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